Perceptive article by Scott Thomas. Having been involved in various mens accountability groups over the years, I can say from experience how easy it is to fall into the trap of “easy accountability”. There are many reasons for this, but three I believe especially true:
1. Good accountability causes discomfort
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”
One of the best feelings in the world is the sense of comradery that men can share with one another. This is especially true for men who have known each other for years and have developed strong relationships. Discussing shared interests, finding common ground on political or spiritual ideals, working together to accomplish a goal, or just “hanging out” – these things enhance the warm sense of fellowship men feel around each other, are the easiest things to do, and men gravitate towards them naturally.
However, asking probing questions that cause friction and discomfort temporarily bursts the bubble of comfort. The mood switches from easy-going to tense, from bull-session to cross-examination. Like surgery, the goal may be long-term health, but the short-term process is painful.
But as with most things in life: no pain, no gain. If you truly want the kind of benefit an accountability group can bring, you must be willing to be more than just another buddy. You must be willing to work through the pain and discomfort of probing questions – whether asking them, or being asked.
2. Finding the right set of men is tough
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”
It is a great blessing from God when He brings another man into your life who is willing to invest his life in you. This kind of man will get below the surface level, deal with the “junk” in your life, and call you on the carpet – lovingly – when you need it. Confrontation is never easy, but he will do it with firmness and love. And – the best accountability partner will be willing to sacrifice a friendship rather than stay silent in the face of continuing, unrepentant sin.
Choose the men who hold you accountable carefully. They should be in a position to observe your life. They should know you well enough to detect when you are lying or being deceitful by not telling “the whole truth”.
These kind of men are few and far between, but they are out there. Ask God to bring these kind of godly, mature men into your life.
3. Accountability can feel like disrespect (but it’s not)
“…Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’“
As a woman may spend a lot of time in front of her mirror making sure her clothes, makeup, and hair look just right, a man will put just as much effort (if not more) making sure his “public image” is just right. Men crave respect and admiration, and will go to incredible lengths to achieve and retain both. We want to appear competent, knowledgeable, and self-sufficient – not only to the women in our lives, but most especially to our male peers.
Admitting we have weaknesses, faults, and failures flies in the face of our natural tendency to try and build ourselves up in the eyes of others. We hate when the harsh light of truth is shone into the darkness of our secret sin and self-deception, exposing our weakness and inadequacy. It’s humbling to admit to sin in your life, and even more humbling to ask for help – to admit you cannot deal with a problem on your own.
Admitting weakness, confessing sin, and asking for help are some of the most powerful things we can do as Christian men. Not only do these actions keep that so-slippery sin of pride at bay, they have an effect opposite of what we may think: we gain respect.
Men don’t respect other men who puff themselves up, who can never admit they are wrong, who never expose any weakness. That’s the last guy you want on your team, at the office, in the field, or in your church – because they will never listen to instruction. They will always resist correction. They are unteachable and – no matter their strengths – will turn into a huge liability in the long run.
This applies at home as well – as a husband and father the most powerful things you can do is humble yourself before your wife and children, apologizing and asking forgiveness when you are wrong.
As the author states, accountability groups can be excellent tools, but they aren’t silver bullets. And honest assessment of your interaction with your accountability partners will enable you to shore up the weak spots and help ensure maximum benefit from this powerful tool.
Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
